ねぇ、今すぐ会いたいよ
本音隠した何気ないメールは
いつまでも君の心の中に
届かないまま
-Gumi - 会いたい -
Recently I found this Vocaloid song named, “会いたい” by Gumi. “Aitai”… means I want to meet you … the very first part of this song hit me…
“I want to meet you now… A plain SMS with a hidden message of this feeling was never delivered to your heart...”
How close can that be? It’s just…match the situation that I have right now? A “yo!”, a “ hi :3”…. Has hidden meaning of me wanting to meet you….
"I miss you... "... "I really miss you so much…" All of these words… I want to tell you… but I can’t…
Either I’m too shy… or I’m such a coward…
You were busy… I understand… I was busy too… both are having project and all. I was glad you told me you might not be attentive for the moment… you might not reply to my message and all… I was glad… and weeks later… I started to feel really…depressed… I know you are busy… only dare to send you SMS once in a while… I was glad that day, the conversation was longer… but it... ended when I asked about if you are free on Valentine’s Day… and I told myself… he’s busy… never mind…
I asked again on MSN, you said you are not sure with your timing and I was… ok with it… I guess? I… so want to meet you… really… but seems like… I just can’t have the courage to say that. I don’t want to be a selfish girl… I always know how results mean a lot to you. So I hold it back… I wait…
Slowly, I started to realise… why I want to meet you so much? It’s because I don’t seems to contact with you much… I didn’t get to talk to you… when I see you on MSN, “he must be busy doing work :3 never mind” … I posted some things on your wall in Facebook, no reply, “ I think he’s really busy xD”. There was once… I talked to you on msn… after you online for 30 mins… you said you were chatting with some friends… “Why didn’t talk to me? We have not talked for a long time”…. I was having that in mind…but I “ ahahaha! xD I see I see ”
Sometimes… I see you commenting on other people’s post… so I start to think too much… and eventually deleted the posts on your wall… slowly... slowly… I started to stop SMS-ing you.. MSN-ing you… even Facebook-ing you… and there we go… 2 weeks of no contact…
My Facebook wall was full of depressing messages… one after another… some of my friends even got worried and asked me “are you ok or not?”… All I can say was… “I’m better now…^^ no worry~” lies… how much I wish that… once… at least just once… you comment on my depressing posts… or sms/msn me to ask if I’m ok… and hahaha… “He’s really busy I guess”….
V-day… I was just hoping at least may be one day before or after it, we can go out to celebrate… because I know, that day is on Monday, you have kendo.
And I found out that our timing always clash with each other… we both have project at the same time… I have my exams… your turn when I finish… when you are done with exam, my attachment starts… and I started to wonder… “Will he contact me when he’s done with his exams?” and all the worries come in… and I was prepared somehow… this relationship will end during/before the attachment… but I was still hesitating…. Because… no initiative from me…no contact with you…. *smiles*
Finally here comes the Chinese New Year eve… I saw you online… I wondered if I should talk to you… and a friend threatened me that if I don’t, he will… so I did. Blah blah blah, all kind of boring conversation went on…. And it ends fast as usual… because you said you were doing report.
And suddenly out of my mind, I said to you “I seriously miss you la! ><”… I felt damn shy when I finally typed that… “Am I really so good to miss? X.X ” … that instant… my heart went dead… so dead… to me.. it sounds like… as if you are not my boyfriend… as if I’m just a random girl who has a crush on you… as if.. I’m the only dumb person who misses you…
Chinese New Year eve… all my feeling for you...were gone…
I used to heart pain when see other couples holding hands happily… now I don’t…
I used to heart pain when see other couples talking to each other on Facebook… now I don’t…
I used to miss you… now… I don’t want to anymore…
I like you... I really do… In some ways, I know you are such type of person…but girls are complicated… I know... but I can’t stand it… not anymore…
We will see… when your exam finished… we will see if… this relationship still has a point to last…. I doubt that but… just a little bit… I still wish there will be a little hope… if not… crash it… my feeling for you… crash it…
I really want to ask… but yet I can’t… “Do you still see me as your girlfriend? Do you still like me?”
Because to me… I feel like I’m no different before we are together… just... more emotional
I don’t know anymore… I can typed out all these in compo like this… all of these that I want to tell you.. but I can’t seem to say it out… yet don’t intent to show you…
Hahaha, what a trouble I am…
終わり
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